Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet. And then you swept my feet off.

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

Q: What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?

A: "Look Ma, no hands!"

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.

Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.